I want to welcome you to the first “The Other Me Coaching Audio Newsletter.”
I’m Kaleel Sakakeeny and I also want to thank you for trusting us, for letting us share what we hope are helpful thoughts and observations.
We called this newsletter, Love in the Time of Conflict, because relationships are complex. They’re tearful, fearful and joyous. But without them we’d never truly realize who we are, and how we want to be to be in the world.
Most relationships, and I mean work ones, personal ones, sibling ones..all kinds of “ones,” quickly learn where the hurting points are. We learn what kinds of comments or actions are likely to be hot button ones, the kinds causing swift and often outsized reactions from ourselves and from the other person.
But we can be ambushed. There you are chatting away comfortably and you say something rather innocently, and your partner or boss or whoever rolls his or her eyes or makes some seemingly harmless comment like, “Lighten up,” or “You’re taking this way too seriously,” or “you always this or never that…
Suddenly, you’re seized by a whiplash anger. And you don’t know why. Neither does the person you’re talking with.
Before you know what’s happening, you’re both hurting, and hurting each other.
You’re hopelessly lost in a tsunami of painful comments. Powerful negative emotions swoop in and hijack the two of you .
The good news is that only part of each of you were engaged in the conflict. One part of you may very well hate a part of the other person… at that moment. BUT only a part hates. The part that was hurt and showed that hurt in anger and striking out
All of each of you, the other parts, the rest of both of you are still loving. Caring. Respectful. That hurting and hurtful part had something very important to say, and it overwhelmed the relationship.
Something got triggered. And it’ll take work and open-heartedness to figure out how and why. And what to do about it.
For now, I’d like to share a poem with you. Share what the poet John O’Donohue has to say about:
Love in the Time of Conflict
When the gentleness between you hardens
And you fall out of your belonging with each other,
May the depths you have reached hold you still.
When no true word can be said, or heard,
And you mirror each other in the script of hurt,
When even the silence has become raw and torn,
May you hear again the echo of your first music.
When the weave of affection starts to unravel
And anger begins to sear the ground between you,
Before this weather of grief invites
The black seed of bitterness to find root,
May your souls come to kiss.
Now is the time for one of you to be gracious,
To allow a kindness beyond thought and hurt,
To reach out with sure hands
To take the chalice of your love,
And carry it carefully through this echoless waste
Until this winter pilgrimage leads you
Toward the gateway of spring.
To me the lines that matter the most, the lines that guide my coaching are, “ Now is the time for one of you to be gracious…to reach out with sure hands.”
I hope in all your relationships, you’ll be the one to be gracious and reach out when the time comes. Or allow yourself to be touched and healed when the other reaches out.
As always, I’m looking forward to hearing from you. May your relationships thrive and become more connected.